In Which I Realize Something

I know my blog is usually all about fun, smut, and giveaways, but for a second here, I want to get serious.

As most of you know, I started going to therapy again last year. On 9/11, actually. How odd is that?

Anyhow, I've worked out the issues surrounding the actual reason I started going again, and uncovered and worked out a few more. But one has been pretty illusive... until yesterday.

My therapist and I were talking about my obsession with not leaving my husband alone for very long.

For those who don't know, my husband is a bit of a medical fascination. He has 15 doctors. He has an immune disorder, Type 1 Diabetes, sleep apnea, a sleep disorder, cognitive issues, memory loss, high cholesterol, frozen shoulder, bursitis, a bone spur, psoriasis... hmm... I think I got all of it.

The major thing is the immune disorder. He goes and gets monthly infusions, but to be clear here - the common cold could kill him. He's on high doses of antibiotics daily for life, because if he goes off them, his body starts producing infections and cysts. He's had so many near misses his doctors collectively refer to him as their pet zombie.

You might think this is all stuff he's been dealing with all his life, but that's not the case. In 2001, I moved to NY to live with him. In 2002, barely a year after I'd moved up, he fell drastically sick. Unbeknownst to us, he was in Severe DKA, which is Diabetic Ketoacidosis.

By the time he finally went to the doctor, he was sent to the ER for an "out patient IV for dehydration." The ER doctor took one look at him, and knew it was far more than dehydration. He was dying. His blood glucose was over 1,200. People die at far less than that. I was told to gather the family and say our goodbyes. He never lost consciousness. He never went into a coma.

He was in the ICU for 5 days, in the hospital for over a week total. He survived, but he suffered brain damage.

It wasn't until a few years later that we discovered the immune disorder.

Anyhow. I've been obsessed with not leaving him alone if I can help it. I live in a constant state of worry that something will happen to him. I'm convinced he'll die somehow.

Until yesterday, I hadn't really tried to get to the bottom of that belief. I mean - it seems perfectly legit, right? He's a walking medical malady. Why wouldn't I be worried?

My therapist asked me, several times - "Why are you so worried? What actual proof do you have that something will happen?" She reasoned that Hubby is a grown ass man, knows his limitations, understands his diseases, and is careful. She reasoned that nothing has happened so far. What's the issue?

I kept saying I didn't know.

It occurred to me on the way home from therapy yesterday (things like this never occur to me *in* therapy, where they'd be useful!) - I blame myself for how sick he is.

I should've acted faster to get him to the doctor in 2002. If I had, he wouldn't have brain damage.

I should've recognized the signs. I had a diabetic grandmother. I knew what diabetes symptoms were. But I missed them.

I should've taken his symptoms and his sickness more seriously.

It was all my fault.

I went to work today, and throughout the day, I could barely keep from bursting into tears. The guilt just kept trying to overwhelm me.

I held it together until I got in my car for the drive home, and then the floodgates opened. By the time I got home, I was a mess.

Hubby and I talked. Well, more like I wailed about how sorry I was, how it was all my fault, and Hubby listened and shook his head. He's never blamed me, of course. And, when you look at the situation rationally, it's really no one's fault. A perfect storm occurred, and this is the damage it left.

You could easily blame the parents who never noticed their kid was sick all the damn time.

You could easily blame the doctor who never caught that his patient was Diabetic.

You could easily blame Hubby, who, despite feeling like shit a lot, never put two and two together.

I, of course, blamed me.

So. After an emotionally exhausting day and evening, I'm...well, exhausted.

I'm still sitting with the guilt and self blame. That's not going to go away quickly. But at least I can recognize it now, and work on it.

A-Z Challenge Day 26: Z is for Zoo

I love zoos! I never got to go to any when I was a kid, so I'm making up for it in my adult life. Every new city I go to, I hit the zoo if they have one!

These were taken at the Audubon Zoo in New Orleans in 2011

These next two were taken at the ABQ Bio Park Zoo in Albuquerque, NM

And these are from the Ross Park Zoo in Binghamton, NY - the first zoo I ever went to!

A-Z Challenge Day 25: Y is for Yummy

I'm not much of a cook - I don't do it a lot - but when I do, I like to experiment with flavors and come up with some strange - but YUMMY - combinations.

These are chicken wing poor man's pizzas. Gluten free biscuit on the bottom (made with bisquick) then a layer of blue cheese dressing, and then a layer of chicken with wing sauce, tipped with mozzarella cheese.

Gluten free rigatoni with pan fried Spam and a homemade honey/mustard/ginger sauce.

Peanut butter, coconut, sesame seed, cinnamon, nutmeg, confectioners sugar, rolled in Cocoa Pebbles and drizzled with honey balls. 

Fried ham over jasmine rice, garnished with blackberries and a brown sugar, mustard, ginger sauce

A-Z Challenge Day 25: X is for Xmas Specials

There are three Christmas specials I watch every year, no matter what:

The California Rasins Claymation Christmas Celebration

A Garfield Christmas

And of course, A Charlie Brown Christmas

A-Z Challenge Day 23: W is for Wallace Jay

Everyone, please meet Wallace Jay!

One day the veterinary clinic where I work, we got a call from one of the local shelters. They needed to bring in a 6 month old Pug mix to be put down because he had a broken leg. They were told by the people who brought him there that he'd been hit by a car. Once our doctors looked at him, they determined that - from the lack of other trauma - he'd more likely been dropped than hit by a car, and the people who surrendered him had probably been his owners, with no money to get him fixed up. (That happens a lot around here). Our doctors determined he only had a broken leg - no reason to kill him - just splint it and cage rest him. But the shelter workers said they didn't have "time and resources" to take care of him, so they'd take him elsewhere to have him put down if our doctor wouldn't do it.

Of course, I adopted him on the spot. He required $4,500 worth of surgery, 8 weeks of strict cage rest, and a lot of attention. Here's what he looked like when we first got him, after his surgery:

You can see the lovely line of stitches there. He never once chewed or licked at them.

He was very worried, nervous, and shy at first, and didn't stray far from my side.

He still doesn't, though he's a little bit braver now!

A-Z Challenge Day 22: V is for Vampires

Vampires. What else do I need to say, really? There's the ones I've written myself:

And the ones I love to watch...

And the ones I'll always remember as my firsts...

(NOTE: I do not own the Being Human, True Blood, or Interview with the Vampire photos. They came from a random web search. If they are your property please let me know so I can give a credit accordingly. Alternatively, if they are your property and you would like them taken down, please let me know and I'll be happy to comply.)

NEW RELEASE: "Alone Together" (m/m, bisexual)

Blurb:

Ever have one of those days where you open your mouth and trip over everything that comes out?

Garrett Morris is having a bad day. On a scale of one to ten, it's a twenty. Mind you, it should be going much better, considering he's seeing Aaron, the secret love of his life, for the first time in a little over two years. But his wife's homophobic family and his own big mouth keep getting him into trouble. If he's not careful, he'll lose everything--wife, job... and Aaron.

Excerpt:

I stepped inside, and Aaron pulled me into a tight embrace, pressing our bodies together as I shivered.

"I've missed you," he whispered, voice husky and raw, full of emotion.

"Me too," I murmured back. I stifled a disappointed whimper as he pulled away.

"How've you been?" He gestured to the couch and I took a seat next to him.

"Since we talked last week?" I chuckled. "I can't say much new has happened.

"Listen, before everyone gets here, there's something I want to talk to you about."

I nodded. "Sure, what's up?"

Aaron stood. "In private."

My heart pounded and my dick went hard. I followed him out of the living room and down the hall to his office. I shut the door behind me and Aaron pounced on me, pressing me back against the wood and claiming my mouth in an urgent kiss, holding my face in his hands.

The notion of fighting flitted briefly in my mind but I ignored it. Here behind closed doors I could be honest. I wrapped my arms around his waist and returned the kiss. He broke the kiss and stepped back, but I kept my hands on him, resting them lightly on his hips.

"I've missed you," he whispered again against my ear, and I shivered again.

"I've missed you, too," I admitted.

"You've stayed away." He stepped back, pulled away from me.

I fought the urge to reach for him. I shrugged. "Work has been crazy. I haven't been able to get away."

"Bullshit," he challenged, his big brown eyes full of hurt and pain.

A-Z Challenge Day 21: U is for Unicorn

Unicorns!




Click here to getImages &
Unicorns Pictures - Pictures




Click here to getImages &
Unicorn And Rainbow Pictures - Pictures

A-Z Challenge Day 20: T is for Tina Jean

This is Tina Jean! She was a stray living in our neighbor's shed. Hubby found her one day and brought her to the clinic. She was supposed to be "up for adoption" but about 10 minutes after meeting her, Hubby had named her.

I think she's adjusted to life with us rather well, don't you?

River Road Expo - My First Comic Book Convention

Yesterday, Hubby, The Boy, my friend Karen, and I went to the River Road Expo Comic Book Convention at Tioga Downs Casino.

This was the first comic book convention I'd ever been to - indeed the first of anything like it. I've never felt so comfortable in my entire life as I did surrounded by people who are just as geeky as me!

Found out we have a local Star Trek fanclub that meets once a month and sees movies together. Also found out we have a local steampunk merchant in the area - makes goggles and whatnot - and he's in my city. How cool is that??

But mostly it was just a lot of fun to see people dressed up, being as obsessive and nerdy as me. It was really nice to be able to say something like "I prefer the IwtV vampire lore to TB, simply because of the you-stay-as-you-are spin" and the person I'm talking to knows *exactly* what I'm saying, and can debate the pros and cons of such with me. What a fun time!

Here are some pictures from the event!

Our local comic book store's section.

A-Z Challenge Day 19: S is for Sassy

Even though she really doesn't like me - she's her Big Daddy's girl through and through - Sassy is still my favorite "s."

We got her as a kitten from one of Hubby's co-workers. Originally we adopted her with her brother, Sparky, but he went to live on a farm. And I really mean that - he lives on a farm in Pennsylvania now!