Thursday, February 6, 2014

Identity Crisis

I've realized something just a few days ago - for the first time in my life, I'm at a point where I don't need to morph my personality to meet the demands/needs/desires/wants of those around me.

For the first time in my life, I'm at a point where nobody needs me to be anything other than who I am.

For the first time in my life, I am free to just

I have no idea who I am, or what to do with myself.

I've spent the better part of the past 35 years playing carefully crafted roles. Intelligent for this person, ditzy for that one. Aggressive and bold for this person, passive for that one. Cold for this person, warm for that one. Masculine for this person, feminine for that one.

I've been straight, lesbian, religious, Atheist, Wiccan, nice, snotty, intellectual, stupid, bubbly, subdued, patriotic, unpatriotic, innocent, worldly, Dominant, submissive, creative, and boring.

I've been a wing man, a bridesmaid (and yes, a bride), a confidant, a mentor, a therapist (though unofficially, of course), a marriage counselor, and a Yes Man. I've been the go-to guy with the answers, I've been the guy who throws his hands up and doesn't have a clue.

None of those were truly me.

A stranger in a store asked me what I thought of some political nonsense the other day.

My first thought was to analyze the situation. This person was male, wearing an American flag pin - possibly making him a veteran or a patriot, he was older - possibly making him condescending toward youth, he was African American - possibly making him sensitive to racial issues, and he was holding a Bible - possibly - well, quite probably - making him religious - and with a crucifix around his neck, which I narrowed down to at least Catholic or Episcopal.

It suddenly struck me that the first thing I did, before even asking myself what *I* thought, was to analyze the situation, sum him up, and supply him with an answer *he* wanted. Something that would fit his comfort zone.

And then I thought to myself - My God, I'd been doing this my whole life. I've become quite good at it, too. I can usually sum a person up in less than 30 seconds. People have no idea what they give away about themselves with their clothing, hairstyles, makeup/lack of makeup, adornments/lack of adornments, and body language.

He peered at me for a moment, when I didn't respond, and then he reached over and touched my arm and said "Are you all right?"

I stood there, wide eyed and making fish-mouth at him. Was I?

I'm at a point where the only people I have to "answer" to are Hubby and myself.

No parents - I've pretty much ended my relationship with my mother. No family - other than my sister, they're out of my life (which is where they belong), no really close friends I feel the need to impress, no boss whose opinion I value (because, let's face it - I just don't care what she thinks of me or anything else), no children to look out for, and thus no other parents to put on a good face for.

I have no one to impress, no one to adjust for, no one to make apologies to, no one to hide from, no one to explain myself to, no one to judge me (well, other than society - but really, who gives a rat's ass?).

There's just me and Hubby. I've been waiting 13 years now for Hubby to figure out I'm not everything he thinks I am, to realize I'm actually just fruitier than a nutcake, to come to terms with the fact that I'm just too much work, and finally give up and walk out. It's becoming more and more clear that isn't going to happen.

The stranger eventually shook his head and walked away, no doubt thinking I was a nutter.

Well, maybe I *am* kind of a nutter. I don't know - I've only just met me.

1 comment:

  1. What an awesome line to finish...I am more impressed with your writing with every post.