This one originally appeared on www.sexmarksthegspot.com
Romantic Pet Peeves by DC Juris
I have a friend who recently started reviewing. Up until a month or so ago, she'd read books I'd recommended. The significance here is that I'm extremely, extremely picky when it comes to what I read. I don't have a lot of time for reading, so I chose carefully. I look at the author's website, I read excerpts, I scour reviews, and I only take the time to read things that sound solid all around. As a reviewer, my friend isn't that lucky. She sent me a long e-mail last week, despairing of her biggest pet peeves, and how she'd managed to come across all of them in about two days. We had a lot of the same irks in common, and I wondered if we're not alone.
Here are mine:
1. Characters who constantly address each other by their first names. I know why this is used – it's a very handy device for showing who is talking. But it's annoying. Think about your real life experiences, Reader. How often do you call people by their names, Reader? In every sentence you speak to them, Reader? Every other, Reader? Or rarely, Reader? (See what I mean, Reader?)
2. Ohhhhh mmmmyyyy goooddddd yeeeesssss and similarly overdone spellings to indicate joy, hate, exasperation, etc. Aside from being really bad grammar, I'd rather you showed me the reaction. Tell me how his voice sounded, what the look on his face was, how he moved.
3. Man tits. Man cunt. Man pussy. Don't. Just. Please. Don't.
4. Disturbing adjectives used during sex scenes. Among others, I'm specifically talking about slimy, gooey (in regards to a cock), and chunky (in regards to cum). Um…GROSS. (And yes, I've read that.)
5. The "You're gay? I'm gay! Let's fuck!" storyline. As a bi man, I can tell you with all honesty I do not want or need to fuck every gay or bi guy I meet. Some of them, I don't even want to share breathing room with.
6. The "gay-guys-meet-and-instantly-want-to-fuck-each-other-at-first-sight-even-though-they-know-nothing-about-each-other-and-one-or-both-could-very-well-be-a-serial-killer-for-all-they-know" storyline. Again ::raises hand:: I can attest we're not all looking to get in each other's pants. Personally, I'm not even attracted to a man until I hear him talk about life. I want to know what he thinks. What are his views on politics? Does he like animals? He might be drop-dead gorgeous, but I reserve the desire to fuck him until I actually know him.
7. The sculpted to perfection main character. I get why he's sexy. Really, I do. But think of men like Jason Statham. He's not perfect in the looks department, and really not that much to look at in terms of body. But then you see him fight, and YOWZA! Suddenly Mr. Unassuming has you panting. Think of Ron Pearlman. He's handsome because he's not perfect, and when he acts, he infuses his characters with sexuality and dominance. I took a little heat for making Evan in "Perfect Christmas" four foot nine, and his partner Drake six foot two. Logistics came into question. Wanna know a secret? I'm four foot nine, and Hubby is six food two. And the logistics work just fine. ::wink::
So tell me - what are YOUR pet peeves in m/m romance??